In the eyes of a child…..Suicide???

When I was a young girl I remember crying my eyes out about some news I heard about my two close friends from my neighborhood were moving out of state.  With desperation in my voice, I remember crying out to my father saying that I wanted to kill myself.  He didn’t react at all like I would have wanted him to, instead he looked at me. laughing and said go ahead and try.  That memory is etched in my mind like it was yesterday.  Don’t get me wrong, now that I am a grown woman, I love and respect my father more than ever.  He is a wonderful person who has been very supportive of me throughout my life.  Yet, back then I would have rather had him grab a hold of me and hug me knowing that I was in so much pain.

Today I can guarantee that he wouldn’t say or act the same way.  The reason I know that is because my youngest brother did commit suicide.  My parents were devastated and for good reason.  My brother wasn’t someone who you would have thought would have done something that tragic.  On the outside he projected himself to be a young man who had it all together.  He was being prepped by my father to take over his business and he was planning to get married in three months to a beautiful girl.  He was funny and outgoing, not at all what you would think of a suicidal person would act like.  Myself on the other hand, unfortunately have dealt with depression and anxiety for the majority of my life.  I would be considered the perfect candidate for something like that, but you know what?  You never ever know what someone is thinking. After he died, his life was an open book and there were things about him that we knew nothing about.  My entire family looked back kicking ourselves for not seeing the signs of his out cries. There was no note left for any of us to have closure and its a chapter in my life that was devastating.  I take a suicidal threat very very serious.  It is not joking matter when you feel as though you want to go to that extreme, even if its just to get attention.  I not only lost my brother to suicide but I also lost a very close friend of mine to it too.  She was such a wonderful loving person, but the depression behind not being able to bare a child, made life’s challenges too difficult to handle and she shot herself. 

Suicide to me is personally a HUGE gut check.  I have had moments where the thought has crossed my mind but to really follow through with it is unbelievably courageous.  Having an idiation is one thing and yet following threw with the impulsive action is something I just cant grasp.  I asked God over and over why couldn’t it have been me instead of my brother.  I was the one who couldn’t seem to get my life together where as he had it all.  The feelings of sadness eventually turned into anger.  I think about how old he would be now or what he might look like and my heart breaks into a million pieces. 

Now that I have three children of my own, I worry more than ever, especially about my teenager.  Society has changed so much and the pressures of fitting in are outrageous.  Well the other day, my youngest child, who is seven, was very unhappy about our living arrangements and the fact that her father is never around and all of a sudden she blurts out “I am going to get a gun and kill myself”.  My face drained of color and I could not believe my ears.  Not for a second could I have ever imagined that something like that would come out of a child’s mouth that young.  The fact is, is that it did and I couldn’t stop sobbing.  I grabbed a hold of her and wrapped my arms around her, telling her how much I loved her and was very frightened by what I had heard her say.  She looked up at me and said don’t worry mommy I would never do that, and I don’t even have a gun.  The biggest question I had is where could she have possibly heard that.  I still don’t know til this day and honestly I don’t even know if she does.  All I do know is that every minute of every day I worry that any one of my children would have to go so far as to take their own life.  My religious beliefs are very strong and I ask the Lord everyday to surround them with angels and to keep them all safe.

Please….if there is anyone out there that is thinking of suicide….. reach out, talk to someone, call 911, or write to me if there isn’t anyone else out there you trust or you feel that cares.  I care and I hope that this story will make people realize the severity of taking a suicidal threat serious!

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