after we had found out the bad news about heidi the morning period was rather strange. The autopsy took much longer than usual due to not being able to find a definitive reason why she died in her sleep. By the time her family held the funeral she didn’t even look like the same person. It was such a horrible sight to see, yet her family and friend celebrated her death with letting balloons go and a huge cake saying goodbye to heidi and that she was now in Heaven with our Lord. I was only a year or two older than her and had always been brought up Catholic so I really didn’t understand why they had handled it that way. I was expecting a lot of crying and morning, not happiness. Much later on I had asked my parents if they every found out the reason as to why she died. My father told me that my uncle was telling everyone that she contracted juvenile diabetes but the fasting and dieting were still in question. Mean while I continued to fast and do my daily rituals. I restricted as much as possible and weighed myself all the time. Instead of making my self throw up, I would drink bottles of antacid to make myself go the other way. I loved my new body. I was down to about 95 pounds at this point but I still saw some fat when I looked in the mirror and I knew that I couldn’t stop what I was doing or I would go back to being that blimp that I saw in the picture with my old boyfriend. I was horrified to think I would ever look that way again.
I never knew that there was a word for what I was doing until I had a physical with my doctor and he was asking me questions about myself and what I was doing to keep so thin. So as I was telling him, he had this strange look on his face. He asked me if I had ever heard of Anorexia before. I told him that it wasn’t familiar to me and he proceeded to tell me what it was all about. Not for one second did I believe that this was what I had. I just wanted to be thin, and it had nothing to do with being sick. He mentioned a singers name to me, and I vaguely remembered hearing the name. He said that a very well know singer named Karen Carpenter had been dealing with this disease and that I was putting my health in danger.
The next incident I recall hearing her name was when she died. It was around 1983 that the news said that she died of heart failure that was related to her eating disorder called “Anorexia Nervosa”. Once again I was in shock. I knew that there were days where I would feel more run down than normal but for the most part I was feeling fine.
The next thing I knew, my panic and anxiety were beginning to get worse for me and I was referred to a special therapist. He worked at Strong Hospital where he was supposed to be familiar with eating disorders. I was very uncomfortable with the whole process of having to talk about my personal life with a man who knew there was NO WAY he could possibly understand my issues. I wasn’t very fond of him right from the start. He would ask me to come in, sit down, and handed me a tissue box. He would look at me and say…go ahead and I would be like what the heck does he mean….go ahead. The worst part was that he was constantly looking at the clock and as soon as the session was over he would cut me off, even if I was in a sentence and say, ok we are done for today. I literally hated every minute of it. The nurse would weigh me with my back towards the scale so that I couldn’t see how much I weighed. To make things worse, the people in charge of this so called clinic wanted me to have family counseling sessions which were an all time disaster. No one talked about what was going on with me, they would all start fighting, blaming everyone else for the problems that were from the past to the present. I would just sit there with my mouth shut while everyone else fought. After this occurred a few times, the family sessions were stopped. It wasn’t doing me or my health any good. The meetings with this one counselor lasted two long years……and believe me they were the worst!!!!!!
to be continued…………..