Please God, don’t let me get sick……..

When I was a young girl I used to worry all the time.  The definition of worry from the Websters Dictionary is “to feel or express great care or anxiety”.  OMG is that the truth.  My days were consumed with worrying about getting sick or to be more specific…..throwing up. 

Why would someone be afraid of that you ask? Well it is a phobia just like being afraid of heights or hating spiders.  The only difference is that it would consume my thoughts everyday.  I would be aware of what I ate and who I was around.  If someone was sick and I was anywhere near them, I would literally panic thinking that I was going to catch the same thing.  I would get into a ritual of having to sleep in certain place and started to drink Pepto Bismal like it was candy.  I was so scared that I would go into panic attacks because of the intense fear and thought of having something like that happening to me.  Unfortunately, my younger sister would consistently get headaches and she would vomit all the time.  It was second nature to her, but to me it was like a death sentence.  At one point my parents thought that it would be a good idea for me to FACE my fears so, one evening after the family went out for ice cream, my sister got out of the car and Yikes totally threw up all over the side walk.  My father looked over at me and said……okay now you can clean it up.  I was devastated at the thought of having anything to do with it but in my day you DID exactly what you were told to do, and I did.  I cleaned it up with water from the hose outside and then went to my room.  Needless to say, it didn’t do anything to help my fear.  In fact, it made it twice as bad.  So much for the “face your fear” theory!  This continued on and off throughout  my childhood and into adulthood.  My family would go on summer vacations and instead of thinking about having fun, I thought about staying home.  I didn’t want to go anywhere that was unfamiliar to me.  I wanted to be in my comfort zone, where I could know I had everything I needed in case I felt panicky. 

It was a very lonely world I lived in.  My parents and siblings thought I was totally weird.  To make things worse, I didn’t fit into any clicks in school either.  I was geeky looking and  a perfect target for getting picked on.  I am thankful for the few friends that I hung out with in the neighborhood.  They were cool and didn’t judge me.  I went on and off with the worrying about vomiting fear because there were so many other worries I had to deal with.  School was no picnic to me, and then there was my mother who was always calling me names and comparing me to my little sister…..but that is another story altogether………

to be continued……

 

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